“What are you pretending not to know?”

I had a chance today to page through some old journals from back in 2009.  At the top of one of my pages was the question, “What are you pretending not to know?”  It was a direct, no-holds-barred attempt to break through some denial about where I was at and where I was headed.

I was in a steady relationship at the time but something deep within me knew it wasn’t right. Over time, I began to lose myself and fell back on self-destructive coping mechanisms developed at a very young age. This was a pattern that had repeated itself many times in my life. The difference this time was that I was able to acknowledge them and make a conscious choice to do something different.  By facing the question directly, I gave myself the gift of self-evaluation … What felt right?  What felt wrong?  What did I need to move forward?  What were the pros and cons of staying in the relationship or leaving?

As I read through my response, a maternal feeling of pride fell over me. My honesty to see exactly what my life had become; my willingness to look objectively at all of the choices I had made to arrive at that exact point and time; and my courage to make decisions that placed my self-care and self-love first.

Today I see things very clearly in the moment. Every choice I make is a conscious choice based on the information I have at that moment. Some of my choices need to be revised over time, but I no longer need to pretend that my reality is something that it isn’t.  Do you?

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